Webinar Transcript: College Essay Series: UC PIQs
Elton Lin
Anna Lu: Welcome everyone. Thanks for joining us for the third installment of our college essay webinar series. These past few weeks we've covered the basics of college essays – and we've also introduced our WRITE! Workshops, which are starting in just a couple weeks, and which high school seniors should definitely check out.
This evening we'll start getting into the college essay specifics: starting with the University of California “Personal Insight Questions,” or the UC PIQs. These UC essay prompts stand apart from others out there and require a different approach – and that is exactly what we'll be covering today.
I'm joined by Kyra and Ellie, who will guide us through it tonight. Kyra, do you want to introduce yourself, first then Ellie can go, and then we can get started?
Kyra Jee (she/her): I would be happy to. Thanks, Anna.
Hi everyone, and welcome. My name is Kyra. I am a college essay specialist and curriculum developer here at ILUMIN – and I'm looking forward to talking with you all about the UC PIQs.
I love working with students – and I especially love getting into this writing portion of the college apps, because I think it's a great way for students to reflect on who you are, and the great things that you've gotten to explore in your last few years of high school. Today we will not only be hopefully demystifying the UC PIQs themselves, but also looking at some ways that you can show off some of those cool things that you've done.
So thanks for joining us – and looking forward to our webinar.
Ellie?
Ellie Frank (she/they): Hi, I'm Ellie – and I am also one of the essay specialists here. I also really like the UC PIQs: they're very punchy. They're a very interesting aspect of the college writing process.
But my favorite thing about them is that this is where you really get to sit down and be like, “Wow, I have done so much cool stuff over the past four years, 10 years, 17 years!” This is the place where you get to share why you're so great with the colleges. And it's a really fun time! It's tough, but it's a really fun time. I'm excited to go through this with you all today.
Agenda
About the UC Application
What are the UC readers looking for?
About the PIQs
How do I choose which prompts to write about?
Which topics should I avoid?
How do I fit my story into 350 words?
How ILUMIN can help!
Kyra Jee: All right, here's our agenda for today:
As you know, we're going to talk about the essay portion of a student's application to the University of California school system,
We'll talk about what the UC application is, and what the platform looks like.
We'll talk about what the UC readers are looking for when they're taking in your profile and your essays.
Most of our day is going to be focused on how to approach the four UC PIQs that you'll be writing – and some strategies and recommendations for a good writing style in tone.
Ellie and I will also be reviewing a real sample essay from a past ILUMIN student: to show you how you can take your essay from draft #1 (a brainstorm) to a strong, well-revised final draft – so that you can feel very confident.
We will close today with a Q&A from you all in the audience – and then talk about some of the other essay consulting services (like these webinars) that ILUMIN offers: and how we might be able to help you out this season.
Quick facts about the UC app
1 platform for all 9 UC schools
All selected campuses see the same app components:
Personal Info
Transcripts
Test Scores (SAT/ACT for course placement, not app eval; AP exams)
Activity List
4 PIQ essays
Additional Info
You can change your major by campus!
1st and 2nd choice major at Berkeley
Kyra Jee: Some of our audience might be just getting started. Some of you may have done your reading coming in. Wherever you're at, it's perfect.
There are nine schools in the UC system; as of now, in California, we have:
UC Berkeley
UCLA
Davis
San Diego
Santa Cruz
Santa Barbara
Irvine
Riverside
and Merced.
All of these schools operate under the same admissions platform: which means you only have to create one application – and then essentially check off which campuses you want to send it to. So all of these schools are going to see the same version of your application.
The only thing you can change between campuses is the major that you choose – since not every school has the same departments, or the same exact names of majors. And levels of competition (or “impacted” majors) are also going to vary between campuses.
But everything else is the same.
About the PIQs
Choose 4 of the 8 prompts to write about
All campuses see all 4 essays
350 words maximum per essay
Prompts will be read in order from #1–8, so be mindful of repetition
No prompt is favored more than the others, so select prompts that best fit your own story!
Kyra Jee: Okay, that was our general overview. Here's the good stuff.
The written portion of the UC applications is called the PIQs, short for “Personal Insight Questions.” You will be responsible for writing four unique essays choosing to answer four of eight possible questions. You can't write more than four essays; you can't write fewer. It doesn't matter whether you want to apply to just UCSD, or all of them; four essays.
Today we're going to take a brief scan at the eight possible prompts – and then go into a little detail about why you might choose which one of those to fit your experiences (things you're proud of); how you might fit those into the PIQs that you pick.
One more important note for students to know, going in, is that prompts are officially numbered from one through eight, so they will be read in order. It doesn't matter what order you write them in or submit them. They will be organized one through eight. Which is actually great news for you, because it means that you know how much context the reader will know about you when they get to each of your essays; each of your essays will build into the image: the presentation of who you are.
It also means that the same person (or a set of people) is reading your application. So it will not be divided up by essay. It all comes as a package.
What are the UC readers looking for?
Your specific, quantified accomplishments
Numbers, details, proper nouns
Value clarity over creativity
Be clear, concise, and straightward!
You want to highlight the ways you stand out from other students
Ellie Frank: So what are the UC readers looking for? That's a great question, because sometimes in college admissions it can seem like they're throwing dice on a board! Well, ILUMIN knows what the UC readers are looking for – because we've talked a lot to the UC readers!
You're going to want to – number one – quantify your accomplishments. If you’ve started the Common App, it's a very different style for the UC PIQs: you're quantifying your accomplishments. You're thinking about specific details you can share particularly – as I like to call them, “numeric data points.” For example: how many years have you been participating in an activity? How many people did you meet in a club?
You're going to want to include the numbers, the details… and then, also, any proper nouns. What do I mean by that? Model UN Vice President – VP, right? The capital letters are really eye-catching. Those titles are very eye-catching. You really want to make sure the reader is focusing on those little bits.
Readers value clarity over creativity. They’re reading these essays pretty quickly, so they want you to get to the point. It's not the Common App, where you might include dialogue or figurative language. It's much, much more direct. So be clear, concise, and straightforward; brevity is your brand in the PIQs!
Finally, the readers want you to stand out. They read so many of these essays, so they want to know what makes you different as an applicant. What makes you unique? Highlight your specific and special accomplishments and qualities right here in the PIQs.
What are the PIQ Prompts?
These topics are indicative of the topics the UCs value:
Leadership
Creativity and Problem-Solving
Talent or Skill
Educational Opportunity or Barrier
Significant Challenge
Academic Interest
Community
Supernova
Kyra Jee: This is both for you all to get some information – maybe to start getting familiar with what the PIQs look like – but also, hopefully, to get you marinating on some of your thoughts. This list is the eight possible prompts (that you'll be able to pick four from).
I'm going to walk us through a little bit more about what each of these words mean. Since we're focusing today in our presentation about how to talk about your activities, this is just a brief introductory scan. You can find full official descriptions online; the UC official website has all of those descriptions available.
As I read through these today, I want you (in your head) to start checking off or crossing off prompts that resonate with you already – or that you think, “Absolutely don't apply for me!” – start making your job easier, cross off a couple along the way.
The first prompt is the leadership prompt. It will ask you to describe a leadership experience in which you've positively impacted a group of people.
Two is the creativity prompt: it will ask how you demonstrate your creativity. I want to emphasize that this is not limited to just more traditionally “artistic” pursuits or performing and visual arts. This creativity prompt is much more; it's much more expansive. You can talk about problem solving, innovative thinking, entrepreneurship, innovation, engineering… whatever it is that you do that allows you to approach situations in new and unique ways. That's creativity.
Prompt three asks you to talk about your greatest talent or skill – and, more importantly, how you've developed that skill over time in different activities.
Four is an either/or: you can describe a specific educational opportunity that you had – this might be a research program, an independent project that you did, internship, volunteering experience, or just something extra that you got to do outside of the classroom. Within that same prompt you also have the option of talking about a barrier or a challenge: a particular obstacle that made your individual journey with academics difficult.
Similarly, prompt five asks for a significant personal challenge: something outside of the classroom that nevertheless impacted your academics.
Six asks you to describe what your major is. The exact wording is: “How have you approached your favorite subject, either in the classroom or outside of the classroom?” “Outside of the classroom” can be clubs. It can be in, again, independent research – which sometimes just means: “What do you listen to in your spare time? What podcasts or journals are you engaging with?” These are things outside of the classroom.
Prompt seven is going to ask you to talk about a community that you're part of: something that has positively impacted you, and something that you've positively impacted – which has some overlap with prompt one.
Finally, prompt eight we like to call the “supernova” prompt. The exact wording is something like, “After everything that you've shared so far in your application, is there anything else you want us to know?” I want to pause here and give the advice that this is not the blank check that it sounds like. This isn't really a “Tell us anything!” freebie Bingo square. This prompt is really to talk about: “Is there something newspaper-headliner that you've done: that nobody you know has done anything like this before?” If you have something super special like that, this would be a good place to put it.
So that's the list of eight. With that combination of eight prompts, you get to design how you present yourself to the UCs – and what values and activities you might want to talk about.
How do I choose which PIQs to answer?
What are your biggest activities?
If you could only tell them 4 things about your last 4 years, what would you choose?
Think about how you can vary your answers based on the prompts.
Ellie Frank: There are eight prompts, but you're only writing about four of them. So how do you know which PIQs to write about? How do you choose which four prompts to work on?
The first thing you're going to think about when considering what prompts to choose is going to be your topics: what are your greatest accomplishments? If you have a 30-second “elevator pitch” with someone, what are you telling them about yourself in those 30 seconds that you're most proud of? If you can only share four things about yourself from the last four years, what would you choose?
So you're not necessarily starting with the prompt. You're starting with you: your accomplishments and your awesome self!
You want to answer the prompt specifically: for example, for the leadership prompt, you want to make sure you're answering with your leadership qualities. Keep in mind the style of the PIQ as well: you're not sharing a story. You're writing a concise answer to the UC reader on why you should go to their college.
And think about how you can vary your answers as well based on the prompts you choose. Let's say you are an amazing chess player. That's awesome. I want to hear about the tournaments you've been in. I want to hear about how much you practice. I want to hear about all the awards you've won. That's great, and you can include chess in different aspects in your PIQs… but if every single PIQ talks about the same tournament that you've won, it gets a little repetitive! You want to make sure you're balancing them pretty well – instead of just sticking on the same activities, accomplishments, or qualities for each one.
Balancing out your PIQs
No matter which prompts you choose, try to address:
Your Major ***
Relationship to your Community ***
Personal Growth
Extracurricular: special skill
Ellie Frank: You want to demonstrate multifaceted talents and background to the readers. You don't want to be too repetitive. No matter the prompts you choose, generally I suggest four aspects you're going to want to address with each essay:
One prompt should focus on your intended major. Usually, that prompt is the prompt asking, “What is your intended major?” It doesn't have to be, but generally it is. For example, a future comp sci major might share the coding challenges they completed – or the hackathons they've won – to demonstrate their interest in computer science.
One PIQ should be all about your relationship to your community – or the services you've provided for your community. That could be the community prompt, but it doesn't necessarily have to. You just want to make sure that you're demonstrating your relationship and service to your community in one of your answers. The comp sci major might share that they've been in a comp sci club such as “Girls Who Code.” But they want to make sure they're focusing on the community service aspects of their participation in that club – rather than on the relationship to computer science. That makes it a bit more of a balanced PIQ with their major PIQ on the hackathon.
I like to suggest that one PIQ be on personal growth. That could be a leadership position you’ve held – whether unofficial or official – that it took you four years to get to in a club. Let's say the comp sci major started on the robotics team their freshman year – and by their final year, they were the head of the coding division. That's awesome. They're focusing on the growth that they've done in those four years. They're focusing on becoming a leader in their club, rather than just on the coding itself.
The final PIQ could really be about anything, but generally it's about an extracurricular or a special skill of yours. Think of this as an area where you really get the chance to brag to the reader. This is your chance to say, “Yo! I am so great! Take me into your college.” This is a great place to do that. Remember to focus, though: you're doing this on specific accomplishments that you can share with the reader – almost as if they're bullet-pointed: “This is why I'm awesome: here are 10 things I did. Take me in!”
Kyra Jee: Ellie, that was amazing.
I want to underscore something that Ellie makes very clear for us – just to reiterate, because it can't be said enough: we want to hit those four topics. You can move things into different prompts for them; these are just suggestions for topics that we want to cover.
Some prompts are more obviously related: “This is an answer I can match to that prompt!” Prompt six is about your major – well, that's easy! Prompt seven is about community – well, that's easy! But prompt one is about leadership, and that's close too. There are different ways that you can adapt your experiences into the prompts.
Not enough activities?
Consider different ways you could write about the same topic! (Example: DECA could demonstrate #1: Leadership, #2: Problem-Solving, or #6: Academic Interest!)
What are your main personal qualities, character traits, and values? What story can you tell to demonstrate these?
Kyra Jee: Let's talk a little bit more about that – you may have heard us say words like “achievement” and “success” and “things that you're proud of” – which is great: that's what this is for; that's what the UCS are really looking for. But if you are sitting there thinking that you don't know what to write about, or you can't possibly think of four different things… that's okay. Here are two other ways that you can approach that brainstorm.
The first is thinking creatively about ways that you can fit a topic into more than one different prompt. That's not saying talk about one thing three times! It's just saying: consider your options.
In this example here, if you're part of DECA – business marketing – your experiences there could be used to answer prompt one (for leadership), or you could use that experience to answer prompt two or prompt six if you're interested in business, entrepreneurship and things like that.
So for our excellent question in the chat: “Can clubs like Model UN or Mock Trial fit that educational opportunity prompt?” Totally, yeah. There are different ways that you can adapt your experiences into different prompts. An important thing is just making sure that you've covered all of your ground – and that you've covered different topics in the things that you've decided.
Another approach to brainstorming your topics is to – instead of thinking about activities, like stuff that you've done – you could think about why you did them. What are your main qualities: your main character traits, your main values and beliefs – that you can talk about in a specific anecdote?
PIQs are not quite the place for long-winded reflective brainstorming about what you believe in… but if that helps you brainstorm (what kind of story you're going to talk about) that might be a really impactful way to make sure that the topic that you're talking about matters to you. And if it matters to you, [there’s a] much greater chance that it'll matter to the reader – it'll matter to us, because we can feel your genuine passion and your genuine involvement in whatever it is that you're doing.
What topics should I…
| Avoid? | Highlight? |
|---|---|
|
|
Ellie Frank: Awesome, thank you so much, Kyra.
Exactly: you can come at different activities from different ways. Y'all have done so much in the last four years – there are so many different ways to present what you've done to the reader.
So when writing your PIQs, there are certain topics to maybe think about avoiding, and other topics to think about highlighting.
Number one: don't focus too much on COVID. Remember: you're trying to stand out from other applicants and highlight your uniqueness. COVID was a worldwide phenomenon. If you have a really unique angle or take that stems from the pandemic, you can share that… but you want to be really careful that the essay you're writing isn't one that the UC reader has already read 20 other times!
You don't want to discuss other people. Your sister or friend might have done this really cool thing, but readers want to know about you! Focus on yourself and your awesome accomplishments.
However, you want to avoid discussing distant accomplishments. It doesn't really matter who you want to be in a decade. That's really important and that's super cool… but the reader wants to know: “Who are you now?” What have you done in the past four years, and what concrete details can you provide the reader about who you are? (If you want to be a computer scientist in 10 years, that's awesome… but tell them about the computer science work you've done in high school!)
Finally, you want to be really careful with prompt number eight (“supernova”). Just like Kyra was saying earlier, we typically suggest students avoid this prompt – since another prompt will usually work better for their topic. “Supernova” isn't asking if you're one in a hundred. It's asking if you're one in a million. If you've done something that nobody else in your state has done, awesome. That could be a cool place for that.
You won the Olympic 10k race for your age bracket? That's the coolest thing ever… but only if you're one out of a million, that's the place for “supernova.” You're still an awesome person – and you're gonna be better able to highlight your uniqueness and your accomplishments in other PIQs.
Now what should you highlight?
It's going to include accomplishments. I'll say it again: you're really going to give those specific details – those actionable points. This could include résumé items, your contributions to your community, and those quantifiable achievements. Again, readers want you to share your specific experiences – and this is going to include a lot of details and numeric data points.
Kyra Jee: It sure will.
How do I fit my story into 350 words?
Be straightforward, not poetic
Answer the prompt
Write your thesis first, then cling to it for dear life!
Every sentence, without exception, must advance your thesis! Toss out unrelated exposition!
Get clear on the “So what?”
What did your actions accomplish?
Why do your future pursuits in this field matter?
Kyra Jee: Each of these essays is 350 words – which, when you're just starting out, might feel like a lot… but if you find a topic that you really care about and that you've really spent time in, those 350 are going to fly!
Paired with that, I think it's important for students to go into this process understanding that – unlike some private schools, which might have a smaller application pool – the UC readers move through applications extremely fast. A statistic you might have heard is that readers spend four to six minutes (if that) on an entire application before moving on. That's not four to six minutes per essay. That's four to six minutes for your whole thing: your transcripts, your activity lists… And that can sometimes mean that they are skimming your essays in 30 seconds!
That can be kind of daunting – especially since we will often spend hours and weeks of our lives making these! But that is the approach. So, in order to match their speed-reading, there's a specific way that we would want to encourage you to write your essays.
Like Ellie said earlier, we want to prioritize clarity over creativity. Subtlety out the window! Your English teacher might have told you to work in a hook, give some exposition, mask what you're doing behind eloquent writing… [we say to] save it for the Common App personal statement. In the UC PIQs, you are there to answer your prompt, describe what you've done, and let them move on to your next essay.
So decide on a clear thesis that answers the prompt right away – and cling to it for the rest of your essay. An example of exposition that you can cut: I worked with a student last year who volunteered with a great organization out of his church, and so things that we cut between the brainstorming stage and the draft stage were things like:
The organization's history
The kid’s relationship with the church
That's all great and good to jog your own brain… but for our essay, we focused on – right away – what are the leadership responsibilities he had? What skills did he learn in the process? How did he affect the people that he worked alongside? We want to know what you did and why it mattered to you – and all the other exposition we can cut out in order to make room in that 350 words for what you did and why you did it.
Ellie Frank: Awesome, exactly. It's tough, but I promise you all: you're going to get there.
Let’s look at a sample essay
Before and after
Ellie Frank: So we've just thrown a ton of information at you, I know. Let's switch gears and change the pace a bit; we're gonna look at a sample essay: a sample PIQ – and we're going to look at the first draft and then the last draft. We're going to see where the writer took the essay while working with an ILUMIN essay specialist.
Prompt #1: leadership
“Describe an example of a leadership experience in which you positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes, or contributed to group efforts over time.”
Ellie Frank: They chose prompt number one – which is the leadership prompt. I'll read the prompt out loud: “Describe an example of a leadership experience in which you positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes, or contributed it to the group’s efforts over time.”
And make sure that you see there are three different aspects to that prompt – so you don't necessarily have to answer all three. That also means that there's a lot of room in this prompt: you can answer it in different ways. It doesn't just have to be “resolved a dispute.: It doesn't just have to be “contributed to group efforts”, “positively influenced others”… It can be one or the other’ you just want to make sure you're answering it in some way.
Draft 1 of Prompt #1: LEADERSHIP
Ellie Frank: So let's take a look at the first draft from this writer.
Though I'm naturally reserved at times as the oldest sibling I've always taken the initiative of being the leader outside and inside my family. Whether it's taking the bulk of responsibilities around the house or leading a group project, I always find myself leading and guiding others.
One of the more recent ways I exemplified leadership was through taking initiative and taking on extra roles to keep the team afloat.
My Junior year I was appointed the Vice president of Mock Trial. With this position I had to help guide the freshmen and do tedious things such as paperwork for the club. Due to distance learning there was less prominent advertising for the club, resulting in less member involvement. We seemed to have just enough people in our club until one of the attorneys quit the club two weeks before competition. Unfortunately this meant that if we couldn't find anyone to take on the extra roles we would have to forfeit the competition.
I took the initiative to take on the extra rules despite the lack of time and materials. I was able to write questions for two more cross-examinations and one more direct in addition to my original direct and cross-examinations. I did this by making extra time for mock trial and memorizing the new witness statements. By working with the people around me I was able to communicate with my peers and our attorney coach I was able to come up with questions all while helping the underclassmen finish their work.
And though this was no easy feat, fortunately I was able to complete all the questions and perfect them to the best of my abilities before the competition. Through this experience I quickly learned the importance of following through, accountability, organizing in an efficient manner, time and stress management skills
Fortunately my hard work paid off and we were able to get through the competitions. And though we weren't able to place as high as the year prior, we managed to persevere despite the lack of members. Moreover, once again one of the judges named me as one of the top three attorneys throughout the trial. This year as president I'm able to apply all the things I learned by leading the new members and teaching them the ways of mock trial.
This is a really solid first draft for a PIQ. Kyra, as an essay specialist, I'm wondering: do you have any thoughts on where this student could maybe improve?
Kyra Jee: I sure do!
Thanks for reading that, Ellie… and I love that ending: “teaching them the ways of Mock Trial.”
If I'm working with this student, giving some feedback – taking a look at this first draft, the first things I would start out with are strengths. I want you (all our audience here) to observe how they have focused on, ultimately, solving problems. It's a series of problems that they solve. “Resolve disputes” is probably where they drew a lot of inspiration.
I also want you to notice that most of this essay is focused on this experience: vice president of Mock Trial. The leadership prompt is not asking how you got a leadership position. It's asking: “What leadership did you do?” Even though, for this particular student, they did have an official title when they approached their essay… in this situation you might not have an official title. That's okay! You might have demonstrated leadership every day without being named for it – and that's a great thing to talk about.
But back to the essay.
The first thing that I would suggest to this writer, right away: let's cut the exposition. The entire first paragraph can go. It is super important with the PIQs to answer the prompt as quickly and as clearly as possible. So if we're looking here at the screen, I'm skipping through the first paragraph; I'm looking for: where are you answering the question?
“My junior year I was appointed the vice president of Mock Trial.” And then, a little bit before that, “…to take initiative and take on extra roles to keep the team afloat.” There. PIQs: Personal Insight Questions. We have to give them the answer.
So everything before that can go.
Another thing that I would invite this student to think about going into their next draft is that a great way to demonstrate leadership is to emphasize your traits and your skills. So I would sit with the student and I would say, “What are some character traits that you used or learned over these problems that you solved?” I'd ask them to make a bullet-point list, maybe “people skills,” “organizational skills,” Mock-Trial-specific skills like reading analytically and quickly… I want to know what you did to make the results happen.
Another thing I would say is I would encourage the student to do a refresher on grammar and mechanics. Of course, when we're brainstorming the most important thing is to just get that information down however it comes to you! We can bullet-point/stream-of-consciousness. You can do diagrams if you're a visual thinker. But if I'm working with a student, usually I'm working on 3-6 drafts of brainstorming to editing and proofreading. Eventually, an easy one would be: “Let's add more commas after our transition phrases.”
Just to recap we have:
Cut the exposition.
Emphasize character traits and skills: narrow down this whole overview of everything you experienced and everything you did; distill it to the problems you solved and the skills you use to solve them.
Finally, take a quick scan and throw in some commas – so that we can make it easier for the reader. Remember, they're skimming fast! Grammar and mechanics is just another way to help the eye clip through and see your most important data points without getting tripped up.
Ellie Frank: Awesome. Thank you so much for your insight, Kyra. I totally agree.
Actually, a quote that I think you shared with me the other day – to paraphrase – is, “The most important thing a first draft can do is exist.” All you have to do in the first draft is write it. Like Kyra said, we normally go through many rounds of editing with students. We work one-on-one as writers, and we take them through it. Now that we've seen the first draft, we've gotten some suggestions from Kyra… let's go to draft number four from the student.
Draft 4 of Prompt #1: LEADERSHIP
Ellie Frank: Now I didn't work with them personally. I myself don't know if this is their final draft. But I wouldn't be surprised if so – because, like Kyra said, we normally go through – depending on the student – three to six drafts per essay.
This is draft four again of that same prompt (number one): leadership.
During my junior year I was the vice president of Mock Trial. In this position, I guided new members of the club and did logistical tasks for the club. Due to distance learning this was less member involvement in the club. Our team had just enough participants to compete in mock trial competitions until one of the attorneys quit two weeks before the first competition. We would have had to forfeit the competition if we couldn't find anyone to take on the extra roles.
I took on the extra rules in addition to my regular tasks as vice president. This meant that I needed to write questions for two more cross-examinations and one more direct, in addition to my original examinations. I also made extra time to memorize the new witness statements. By working with other participants I completed all the tasks required of the extra roles, while also helping to underclass and prepare for their roles.
It was no easy feat to complete all the questions and perfect them before the competition. I learned what it meant to be committed and invested in the success of an organization. I utilized my ability to delegate and my prior experience on the team to allow participation in competitions that year.
We not only got to participate, but also performed well in the competitions. Additionally, I was named as one of the top three attorneys throughout the trial. This meant a lot to me since I had invested time and energy into preparing for this trial, especially knowing that everyone else was depending on me to be able to participate.
This experience increased my confidence as a leader and as a future attorney, because it validated my ability to follow through and be held accountable to responsibilities I take on. This year as co-president I'm continuing to grow in my commitment, adaptability, and organization, as I lead new members and introduce them to the ways of mock trial.
That was a really great fourth draft. It flowed so much smoother than the first draft. The grammar was better. The sentence structure really lent itself to reading a lot easier. As the reader – if I'm reading that quickly – I get so many more bullet points… and a much better idea of the accomplishments of this student, in a much quicker and easier way.
Now if we go on down to the next slide, we're going to see some of the specific improvements the students made. We marked them out.
Draft 4 of Prompt #1: LEADERSHIP
Improvements
- Any exposition introducing problems immediately leads to solving the problem
- Selected descriptive character traits
- More clearly demonstrated “effects”: success, skills, and accomplishments
- Commas
- Specific actions
- Clear intro statement
During my junior year, I was the vice president of Mock Trial. In this position, I guided new members of the club and did logistical tasks for the club. Due to distance learning, this was less member involvement in the club. Our team had just enough participants to compete in Mock Trial competitions until one of the attorneys quit two weeks before our first competition. We would have to forfeit the competition if we couldn’t find anyone to take on the extra roles.
I took on the extra roles, in addition to my regular tasks as vice president.This meant that I needed to write questions for two more cross examinations and one more direct in addition to my original examinations. I also made extra time to memorize the new witness statements. By working with the other participants, I completed all the tasks required of the extra roles while also helping the underclassmen prepare for their roles.
It was no easy feat to complete all of the questions and perfect them before the competition. I learned that it meant to be committed and invested in the success of an organization. I utilized my ability to delegate and my prior experience on the team to allow participation in competitions that year.
We not only got to participate, but also performed well in the competitions. Additionally, I was named as one of the top three attorneys throughout the trial. This meant a lot to me since I had invested time and energy into preparing for this trial, especially knowing that everyone else was depending on me to be able to participate. This experience increased my confidence as a leader and as a future attorney, because it validated my ability to follow through and be held accountable to responsibilities I take on. This year as co-president, I’m continuing to grow in my commitment, adaptability, and organization as I lead new members and introduce them to the ways of mock trial.
Ellie Frank: So their exposition – introducing problems – immediately leads into how they solve the problem. They got rid of that first paragraph – just like Kyra suggested.
They've included descriptive character traits: so when I'm reading through, I see:
They were able to delegate.
They learned how to be committed and invested.
They increased their confidence.
I'm really able to get those specific traits that they wanted me to.
They've demonstrated the effects of their role as vice president, such as their accomplishments and the skills they've used in games. They've demonstrated that they had an impact on the people around them: they were able to participate because they stepped up and took on those extra duties in addition to their role as vice president.
And they really added that specificity that UC readers love – and they included those specific actions. Just like Kira said and just like I mentioned, the essay specialist that worked with them on this draft improved their overall grammar and writing flow and clarity. Overall, it's a much stronger PIQ – and just much easier for a UC reader to dive into and get into.
Kyra, do you have any final thoughts on the successes of this fourth draft?
Kyra Jee: Yes!
Full agreement with everything you're saying. To add on: if you take one thing away from this… actually, let it be two things.
The first one is clarity over creativity.
And the second related thing is you want to give the reader as many reasons to admit you as possible. You want to make their job easy: for them to reach into your essay, fish out all of the great things that you've done – we don't need to be subtle about it; we don't need to hide it! This is a chance for you to talk honestly and earnestly about the stuff that you did.
Even just glancing at this essay – this fourth version that we have here, aided by the color-coding – looking at those blue and red lines here at the bottom: “commitment”, “adaptability”, “organization”, “invested”, “validated”, “named as top three attorneys”, “confidence as a leader”… By answering the prompt with those keywords/buzzwords (that are accurate for your situation), we get to show the reader – and prove to them – “I know what I'm talking about, and I'm happy to talk about it.”
The last thing I want to point out in this essay is that line in green – because I think it reads in a very funny but excellent way: “we would have to forfeit the competition if we couldn't find anyone to take on the extra roles. I took on the extra roles.”
Okay: problem, solution. That's a great example of what we mean by getting to the point right away. I love that example. I love this essay.
And you can take a look at our color coding here too.
I just want to reiterate that this is a real essay with real feedback from a real student that we worked with on the team a few years ago – who's generous enough to share their drafts and their progress with you guys today. By walking through that sample feedback session, you can see how an essay specialist has helped the student take their writing from a first draft (already having good ideas in it) to a fourth draft that's more refined – based not just on what the student wants to emphasize about themselves, but also about what the UC readers are looking for… so this student could feel really confident when they submitted their application – and they could feel prepared.
How ILUMIN can help!
| Hourly Essay Consulting | WRITE! Workshops |
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Kyra Jee: So we have reached the end of our info session on the UC PIQs. We're going to talk a little bit more about the ways that ILUMIN can help – and then we'll take Q&A at the end.
Right now we have our hourly essay consulting – which is the essay team that Ellie and I are part of. This is going to match up students – most of you seniors, probably – with a member from our wonderful essay team: to go through any essay for any school at any stage. In that process we can walk you through whether you're brainstorming, or you already have great ideas and you just want help proofreading and making sure that it fits what the readers are really looking for – and the ways that they're actually going to read your application.
That can be for the UCs or it can be for any of your other essays that you're working on this season. Now is a great time to sign up and jump in – if you want to take advantage of summer, since we're just getting started in June.
So that's one that's one way here on the left.
I'm also super excited (personally) about the right: we have a webinar-workshop series coming up in July called the WRITE! workshops. Every Saturday for the next couple of months the WRITE! workshops will focus on a specific type of prompt in great depth. And then we will do a workshop staffed by the essay specialist team (myself, Ellie, and our comrades) so that you can get one-on-one feedback on your own drafts.
So it would look like a webinar: where we walk through and give you an introduction… but then, instead of a 10-15 minute Q&A among the hundreds of you who are here today, you would get one-on-one time to make progress and get feedback on your drafts with outlines and templates and all this good stuff. And I will be hosting those – so I'd love to work with you there!
These are two of the main ways that ILUMIN can help you jump in right now to work on your essays – whether it's the PIQs or anything else.
Here’s a link to the page on our website for the WRITE! workshops: https://www.ilumineducation.com/write.
Questions?
Hourly Essay Consulting
Contact us at essays@ilumineducation.com.
Kyra Jee: I think it is time for questions.
Ellie Frank: Yes, and thank you so much, Kyra.
I want to add, as well: we've given you a taste of what we (as essay specialists) do as we walk you through the process. We've tried to give you the most important and bullet-pointed tips and tricks we can give you as experts. What's really nice, when we walk students through the draft, is we're there every step of the way: we can keep that personalized feedback
And I'm just going to answer one of the questions I see here in the chat from Daniel: “How do you quantify something you do as a hobby, if you do something purely for your own enjoyment and enrichment… and have spent hundreds of hours on it, but are not good enough to win awards for it?”
First of all, I would just like to say I have never met a student I haven't been insanely impressed by. I promise you: you are so much more impressive and accomplished than you yourself might think! It takes an outside perspective – someone else going, “Wow, that's super cool!” – to realize: “Yeah man, that is super cool.” So even if you haven't been in a formal position or won awards…
Let's say for tennis. Let's say you love tennis, but you're not on the team; you haven't won any awards… but every week, for the past four years, you've spent four hours – ten hours, what have you – playing tennis. And you went from a complete novice, but now you're teaching your little sisters.
That shows personal growth. That's a great example of a “personal growth” essay. The way that you quantify that: you say, “I started with zero knowledge of the game. Now I teach like these two kids twice a week: I teach my sisters how to play. I have spent four years playing for four hours each week.” These are all specific numeric data points that you're sharing with the reader.
You also add in: “What traits does this show about me? What traits do I want the reader to get out of this?” There are a bunch of different ways you can come at a personal hobby like that!
But that's a great question, Daniel. Thank you so much.
Anna Lu: Yes, thank you – and thank you, Ellie, for that answer.
We do have a question: how well would you say that the example essay that we went over performed in comparison to other essays? How well would this essay perform in an application?
This is a complicated question… It definitely depends on the situation. But what do you two think?
Kyra Jee: I think that's a great question. It is a very subjective question: “How is this essay performing against other students?”
I want to reiterate that, even though we are getting to focus on our own accomplishments, it will do you more good in your brainstorming phase to think about ways that who you are now has improved against who you were before – whatever wake up/realization that sparked your interest or made you realize that you had to redouble your commitment to your activity – in order to to write more effectively about your experiences. Walking that line of, “How do we talk about something that is meaningful for us, but also will be meaningful for the UCs?” is important to think about.
The most important thing that I would say to that is: your essays matter… because this part is individual; this is where you are getting to show you as a person, and why you did the things that are already listed in your résumé. But no one part of your application is going to make or break it. Essays by themselves are not the thing that will make or break it. Your grades (by themselves) are not the only thing.
It's a cohesive package that the readers are looking for: “How cohesive is the narrative? Are you talking about things that you've spent a lot of time in? Or are you just talking about something new? The more that your essays match your experiences, and the more that your experiences match your major, the more likely it is that your story will resonate – because it makes sense.
Anna Lu: All right, that's great.
“If we are applying to different majors at different UCs (for example, ‘business’ is only at Cal, UCI, and UCR – and ‘business economics’ at the others) how can we provide examples for a major interest?”
Ellie Frank: That is a really great question – especially because, as we said earlier, each UC is going to get exactly the same essays. You can't send a different topic number six (major) to Berkeley versus [UCLA], etc.
I would say you would probably do business/economics: tie them both in together. Let everyone know you're going to give concrete examples of your background and your interest in these topics as a package.
There are different ways to do that. It really depends on the specific situation – and specific angle you're looking to hit. The most important thing with something that's a little less clear-cut (like that) is to be intentional: you want to go in saying, “I know what I want to do.” While it might look a little different depending on the university you’re applying to… you want to give that really clear, concise, and confident list of activities – and the tying theme being business, economics, whatever… you want to make sure that's together.
Kyra Jee: I would add on to Ellie's answer: if you're applying to different majors, it's very likely: and, in fact, usually the case (that you'll apply to slightly different majors). Practical tips: don't list the name of the major in the essay, because it'll be different. In this case it looks like business and econ might very well both fit into, say, PIQ #6: your academic interest.
But if it doesn't, you have four essays – so just write about your first choice major in one essay. Write about your second choice major in another; as long as you're covering all of your most important activities, you should be okay. (They're not going to weigh leadership [prompt #1] more than prompt #6 [academic interest] just because it's number one! It's just number one for official purposes.) You can absolutely talk about two different academic interests in two different places.
I've had a student talk about their significant chemistry research experience for prompt four [educational opportunity], as well as biomedicine as their PIQ #6 [academic interest]. You can definitely talk about more than one thing: more than one academic focus.
Anna Lu: Then the next question regarding family responsibilities and how that plays into essays – that's a really good question, for sure.
Kyra Jee: Yes. Talk about your family responsibilities – that's great. That's a great place to talk about it.
That could go in lots of different places. That could be leadership: your “community” could be your family. It doesn't have to be a sports team, or like a team; sometimes your “community” is the people in your neighborhood.
That also could possibly be a great thing to talk about in prompt five (a “significant personal challenge”). I had a student whose grandparents lived with them, and so part of their everyday responsibilities were just taking care of their grandparents after school. Although they were glad to do it, it cut into homework and study time… and they tended to not be able to study as well for tests. That's a way that an activity where you spent your time could have impacted your academics.
That's a great question. I'm glad you asked it.
Anna Lu: Ellie, did you have anything to add?
Ellie Frank: Kyra hit it perfect: check, check, check!
It can be a very important thing to include, because you're trying to give a picture of yourself to the reader… and if you're spending a significant amount of your time with family responsibilities, that's a really important aspect of yourself.
Anna Lu: For sure. So don't shy away from talking about that in your essays if it was key or crucial to your experiences over the past four years!
We have questions about if a student has many achievements on their résumé, how should the student write an essay?
Ellie Frank: That is another very good question. It's always awesome when a student has many achievements on their résumé.
I hate to say it… but it really depends on the student. It's really personal to break that up. You're trying to figure out: which four PIQs are you answering? What four aspects are you trying to present to the reader? And then you can group your activities in the ways that make the most sense, logically.
I just talked to a student who is a really impressive dancer. She's a very impressive dancer, and then – beyond her awards and her years dancing – she's also developing a dance website. She's also gone to “dance theory” lectures. She's done dance exhibitions. She was the head of a dance club at her school. That's amazing – that is so impressive that it's such a long résumé!
So we broke it up. We're like: “What are the leadership experiences you can take out of this résumé? What are the creativity experiences you can take out of this résumé? (How can you show your creative side?) What are the community aspects?” Then bring in that she created a dance group at her school.
You definitely want to be including your really important accomplishments in your PIQs. You just want to think to yourself: “How is this going to flow when they're reading them, one through four?” (Remember: they read them one to eight.) And: “Is it logical in the way that I'm breaking it up, and the narrative that I'm presenting about myself?”
Kyra Jee: I totally agree with everything that you just said Ellie – makes perfect sense.
I'd love to add on: remember that you are going to be able to talk about 20 different activities in your activity list for the UCs! There should be a good amount of space for you to both name your activity, describe your activity, explain your accomplishments, what you did to win that award, and the time that you spent to get it. So there is space for you to talk about your activities there, and your accomplishments.
If you're choosing what to write about in your essays, think about those buckets:
Is this related to your major?
Did this impact your community?
Does this demonstrate your personal growth or a special skill?
That would be a good way to solve the fun problem of: “Which of my great things do I get to talk about in this particular place?”
Ellie Frank: Exactly. There you have more opportunities to share.
And what an awesome problem to have: if your résumé is too long to include it all!
I would just say, coming off what Kyra is saying: you're gonna have that space. But just make sure what you are including is logical. If you're writing about leadership, but you have these 10 résumé points you want to get in… that might not be the place to put it – if it doesn't make sense to the reader. and for you as a writer.
Anna Lu: We've got a great question about if you're undeclared. There are a lot of essays that tackle a specific academic discipline or an intended major, etc. How would one write an essay if the student doesn't actually know what they're going to be pursuing in college?
Kyra Jee: That is a really great question. That's a really important question – because you're right, you do have to talk about academics. And you might not be ready to declare a major. That's okay.
I would say that, even if you’re not sure of exactly the names and titles of a major in which you're interested, probably there are different classes that you've taken where you've excelled – or you felt really have been more rewarding experiences than other ones… or maybe that have taught you different ways to see the world, or how to gain better study skills.
Talk about academics, because these are school applications… but thankfully, again, there are four different essays. So there are other parts of your life that you can talk about.
I would also say that if you are really undeclared and you're trying to pick between two or three different topics, write about one or two of those topics.
If you are trying to apply undeclared because it has a higher admissions rate than the major that you're interested in… I would strongly recommend not doing it for that reason – because it makes your essays really hard to write. Ellie just said to make your essays logical. This is not quite essay-related – but if you're just applying undeclared because you think it'll give you a better shot… typically it's going to be more effective to write essays about something for which you're truly passionate.
That would be my main takeaway: talk about academics even if you don't have a solidified major yet.
Anna Lu: We have a question about: “How long does it typically take for a student (and the essay specialist at ILUMIN) to complete four UC PIQs?”
For this one – along with another question that we have about strategies of which combo of PIQs is best – I think the answer overall is that it strongly depends on the student that we're working with. But if you two want to elaborate a little bit more on that…
Ellie Frank: Of course. Both these are great questions.
To answer the one really quickly on the PIQ combo: there is no best PIQ combo.
There are suggestions we can give. We can say: “You want to talk about your major, your community, personal growth, perhaps leadership, etc.” We would strongly suggest that. And then there are warnings we may give: “Don't do number eight unless you're one out of a million!” That's just a hard prompt to do. For number five (personal challenge) sometimes it can be more effective to put the personal challenge into the “additional information” section of the application. But these are just general thoughts and warnings and successes that we've seen.
For each individual, that's when we're able to get down and dirty and say: “Look, this is what we know. This is how we can best advise you as a person, as a student.” There's no across-the-board answer to that question.
Kyra Jee: I would also say: if you feel like you're in one of those cases where it does depend on you as a student, and you still have questions (or you're struggling to get started) I would encourage you to sign up for the WRITE! workshops or to learn more about the hourly essay consulting: which is basically this, but you, one-on-one, and your actual ideas that you can air out in more specifics. We have five and ten hour packages; you can sign up to either work with a specialist that you've seen in a webinar, or we will match you.
There's also an opportunity to do a free consultation if you're not sure whether this is the right thing for you; we'll talk about it.
I guess I'm trying to encourage you to keep bringing your questions. It's just June. It's a great time to get started. And we'd love to talk more. But since we're out of time, the next best thing I can do is send you to our website. Or send us an email – and see whether hourly essay consulting can help you get answers to some of those “It depends on the student” type questions.
Anna Lu: For sure. Yes, we are – unfortunately – out of time… but thank you for all the questions. I'm gonna echo what Kyra says: that, if you have any other questions, we would love to help you – especially on a personal level – through a free consultation… or just email us. We will be more than happy to help you out there.
Thank you all so much for coming, and we hope to see you again in our future webinars. Thank you, everybody.