Webinar Transcript: College Essay Series: Live Essay Edit
Elton Lin
Anthony Su (he/him): Good evening, everyone. I’m glad that you all have a chance to join us today in another webinar. I'm back after a short hiatus – Anna had been filling in for me.
But I’m really glad that we're presenting a topic that I think is relevant for a lot of our seniors right now: thinking about how to tackle the essays. How to improve their essays, I think, is a big thing. If you've already started it, you'll be in really good shape if you're already thinking about the next steps of how to make adjustments.
Today we have Angela and Alyssa both joining us. Angela, do you want to introduce yourself, and then Alyssa?
Angela Torres de Amante: Hi, everyone. I'm Angela Torres de Amante. I am an essay specialist here [at ILUMIN], as well as an assistant to consultants. I have been working with ILUMIN for… this is my third admission season. And I just love the process, and the team, and what we offer – and love working with you guys!
Alyssa Guzman: Hi everyone, my name is Alyssa. This is my second season with ILUMIN now. Previously I was an English teacher – so I just feel like this is my bread and butter: helping people with their essays.
Now I am an IT recruiter… so for those of you going into anything STEM-related, I think I have good background knowledge – just to help you with those endeavors as well.
Anthony Su: Awesome. I'll toss it to Angela to get started.
Agenda
Review of College Essays 101
General Editing Tips
What We Look For
Essay Draft 1 and 2
How ILUMIN can help!
Angela Torres: Yeah. We'll just go over the housekeeping: the agenda.
Today we are going through live essay edits… but we'll start with a review of college essays in general.
General editing tips
What we look for – based on our experience.
And then we have a couple drafts of essays that we will go through with you. We did put out a notice for essays. Unfortunately, there were some issues accessing the documents; unfortunately, we weren't able to use them. But if you submit again, just remember to allow access – so that we can use your essays.
Then we'll go over how ILUMIN can help: with this whole process, where do we fit in? Where do we come in, and how we can work with you?
College essays 101
UC PIQs
Straightforward and direct
350 words
4 Essays, 8 Prompts
Due Nov 30
Common App
Creative narrative
650 words
1 Essay, 7 Prompts
Due date depends on college
Alyssa Guzman: There are two kinds of college essays that [many of] you guys are going to be responsible for writing.
The first one is going to be the UC PIQs – or the University or the California schools’ Personal Insight Questions:
These ones are going to be a lot shorter than your Common App [essay]. They have 350 words (so the word count is about cut in half).
These ones are going to be very straightforward and direct. You want to think about it as highlighting solely the skills that are asked in the prompt – without any fluff, without any super colorful or narrative languages.
These are all going to be due on November 30th.
There are four essays that you will have to write, and eight prompts to choose from. Some students are not sure which prompts to choose. I think that essay specialists can certainly help you with that.
And then the Common App:
That one is going to be much more creative. You want to be a little bit more fluffy with your writing – in terms of your descriptive language.
650 words – so a little bit more to play with there.
There are seven prompts to choose from there, for your one essay. I have had students experiment with multiple before they settle on one… but that's also something that your essay specialist could help you with as well.
It is going to be important to track when that essay is due, because the due dates can be flexible: dependent on whichever college you're applying to.
General editing tips
Revise, revise, revise!
3-5 Drafts, multiple sets of eyes
Make sure your essay answers the prompt and is within the word count
Edit for content, for grammar, and for flow/style
Read your essays out loud
Angela Torres: Some general editing tips that we have:
First is revision. Please do not ever submit a first draft! And that goes for any academic paper. You want to revise. You want to edit. You want to look at it with fresh eyes – ideally a new day. You don't want to do a first draft in the morning, come back to it in the afternoon, and then send it off the day that the application is due! So revise, revise, revise.
We typically – as a specialist here – go through about three to five drafts. I would say four to five is more common. Maybe I've done three drafts with a student that I can't recall… but typically it's four to five drafts.
You want to have multiple people look at them. Even our students (that we work with here) have their teachers look at them, their counselors, their friends… You'd be surprised who has just phenomenal little tips, little tricks, little changes (subtle changes even) that can really help your essay. So have multiple people look at them.
As far as answering the prompts, it's really important – and this goes for UC or Common App; across the board – that you stay really tight to the prompt. You want to make sure that your prompt is at the top of your page for any essay that you're writing. You will have multiple essays. For UC PIQs you have four. And then (for Common App) you have your main personal statement. But then you also have supplemental essays. It's hard to keep track of all that: you have multiple institutions; you have multiple prompts.
You want to make sure that you are still holding tight to that specific prompt. Otherwise, you can obviously go off course [and] answer the incorrect prompt… because you forgot that you're writing UC Personal Insight Question three, [and now] you've accidentally copy and pasted UC Personal Insight Question seven in there! So you want to make sure that your prompt is at the top of your documents. At all times you should be looking at that, referencing that, making sure that you are paying attention to the prompt: holding tight to the prompt.
Also your word count: you want to make sure that you're within your word count. In your first few drafts, maybe it doesn't matter so much – we're doing the brain dumps, we're doing the brainstorms. But (pretty quickly) you need to start to shave it down and get within your word count – and stay close to that!
In editing, you want to edit for everything. We can come in… but also those extra sets of eyes that you reach out to for help are going to be able to look at content: is this the best story? Is it the best illustration of your experience: of your talents, of your skills, your values and motivations? You want to make sure that the content is there.
Obviously grammar – you don't want to submit anything that is not checked for grammatical errors.
And then you also want to make sure that it flows. These essays are read very quickly – and what I always tell students is: you have to spoon-feed everything. You want your reader to just be able to glide through the essay. There should be no choppiness. It should flow. There should be no questions left on the table for your reader; they should get a good sense of everything that you're attempting to say within that essay. Hence why you have to stay so close to your prompt: then you'll be better able and capable of feeling that you have a strong essay.
Read your essays out loud. This goes for any writing that you do. Your brain will edit. If you read internally, it just naturally does that: see something, it edits it, puts it away. This is why we miss grammatical errors, miss words, etc. It's because our brain is editing.
That's when you're reading it internally. When you have to verbalize, and you have to audibly read something, your brain really doesn't have that time to catch up. So it doesn't edit – and you can catch things: errors and flow and style, and maybe even repetition. Repetition is the most common issue that I find within the essays – reiterating either the same words or the same ideas. Reading it out loud really highlights that for you – and you can catch it.
Frequently, when I read all the essays out loud with my students, they will be frantically editing – because they can see it almost as soon as I say it. They're like, “That doesn't sound quite right.”
These are just general editing tips to always be mindful of. You probably already know them. If you don't, please utilize them in all of your academic writing – or just writing in general!
What we look for…
Content that paints the student in the best light
Evidence of personal growth and strong character
Not only answering the prompt, but also going beyond and answering the “So What?”
Good structure and organization
Engaging writing style
Alyssa Guzman: I just want to echo a few things that Angela said:
I think that reading your essay out loud is one of the best things that you can do – because things sound different out loud than they do in your head.
Also, little changes make a big difference sometimes: a couple of sentences (or words within a sentence) getting mixed around can just really heighten the impact of what you were trying to say.
And then, again, spoon-feeding everything: that's a big thing that I see. You all are the experts in what you are writing about, so you might know all of the language for being in robotics or being captain of the swim team… but that doesn't mean that your reader is going to know that. You want to make sure that you're being very clear in your descriptions – but also being concise, so that the reader knows exactly what's going on.
That's going to help to paint you in the best light. What we ultimately want is for you to show your growth – and how your character has become stronger as a result of your experiences. So you want to showcase your skills (and what you've learned) while also being conscientious of how you are coming off as a person and as a writer.
For example, I had a student write a PIQ about his leadership skills. In that, there was a sentence or two about how the previous captain of the team wasn't doing a great job. A lot of the essay seemed like whining about another person… rather than really hyping up his own skills. So that was something that we had to edit together – just to make sure that this student wasn't coming off as complaining, but rather coming off as someone who can analyze a situation, and then become the best leader from those observations.
Then not only answering the prompt, but going beyond and answering the “So what?” It's great that you were captain of the swim team, or that you won an award for your singing… but we want to know why. Why is that important? How have you grown as a person? What was your evolution from the first time that you started that activity all the way to the end? We always want to go at least two to three levels deeper.
And then good structure and organization: again, reading things out loud is very helpful to figure that out. One thing that I've noticed with my students is that there have been times when a sentence (or a paragraph even) that's in the middle of the response could fit better as an intro, or even as the concluding thought. That's something that we can figure out together. Oftentimes we take apart the essays and then put them back together like a puzzle.
And then with the engaging writing style. I'm sure we've all learned since a very young age that you always want to hook in your writing: you want to make sure that you're capturing the reader's attention right away. I think that's something that your essay specialist can also help you with a lot: figuring out a hook that's going to get your reader's attention right away.
Angela Torres: That “So what?” is a big one, too. If you are not asking yourself, “So what?” after every example, then you're doing your essay a disservice, for sure.
Alyssa Guzman: Yeah.
I am going to show this model UC essay that I've pre-edited; give me one second.
Angela Torres: I actually just had a meeting with a student earlier and I just wanted to share it – because it was so important. You know we can get very hard on ourselves as we're trying to just tighten up our skills and our grades and our GPA and everything. The student is younger – so not quite doing applications yet – but one of the things that I wanted to point out when they were feeling down about themselves was that your essays are going to do so much better when you're able to recognize things that you need to improve about yourself, or things that you have maybe not succeeded at very well.
If you're able to share knowledge about your struggles – and then how you came out of them – I think Alyssa already said this, but that gives a really compelling narrative. Being able to do that takes your essay to that next level. So don't be afraid to get personal, and share who you are and where you've been – even if it may not be in the best light.
Model UC essay
Describe an example of your leadership experience in which you have positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes or contributed to group efforts over time.
Coming out of lockdown in my junior year, my robotics team sputtered at the starting line. The season was complicated by our new captain taking credit for others' work, compounded by our mentor stepping back for personal reasons.
I'd been enthusiastically accumulating knowledge ever since joining the team in 8th grade. I loved the team, and it worried me to watch as attendance at meetings slowed to a trickle due to low morale. At our season's first tournament, we placed third from last, and I grew desperate. Without a formal leadership role, I did the only thing I could: I emptied a room in my house and moved the team in, 144 sq. ft. playing field included.
For the next four months, I bounced back and forth after school between 15 teammates crammed into two rooms. I ran practice matches as drive coach and drafted game plans as strategy lead. As busy as I was, I made time to help new members test their prototypes and proofread 200+ pages of documentation. When the captain was present, I pushed against unreasonable deadlines and vouched for other members' expertise, ensuring that the design of the robot fell in the hands of the team as a whole.
I first sensed that I was doing something right when a freshman bounded up to me with magnets and a cut-up soda bottle. For her and other rookie members, I became a sounding board for ideas they worried might be dismissed.
We brought a whole new robot to our next competition, one that incorporated ideas from across the team, and earned a place at the Regional Championship. Undefeated in qualifying matches, our alliance won the championship, and we advanced to Worlds.
After returning home with a nomination for the Motivate Award recognizing exceptional team culture, our mentor asked me to be captain. I gladly accepted.
This year, I am the captain of my robotics team, and nothing is different at all. I've learned that leadership is far more than just a title: it is the actions I take and the trust I can cultivate in a group.
Alyssa Guzman: I'm just going to start off by reading this UC PIQ. It's always a good idea to have the prompt at the top.
The prompt is: “Describe an example of your leadership experience in which you have positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes, or contributed to group efforts over time.”
You want the prompt at the top to make sure that you are always staying on track with the essay. So:
“Coming out of lockdown in my junior year, my robotics team sputtered at the starting line. The season was complicated by our new captain taking credit for others' work, compounded by our mentor stepping back for personal reasons.
“I'd been enthusiastically accumulating knowledge ever since joining the team in 8th grade. I loved the team, and it worried me to watch as attendance at meetings slowed to a trickle due to low morale. At our season's first tournament, our captain rushed to build the robot in a largely individual effort. We placed third from last, and I grew desperate. Without a formal leadership role I did the only thing I could: I emptied a room in my house and moved the team in, 144 sq. ft. playing field included.
“For the next four months, I bounced back and forth after school between 15 teammates crammed into two rooms. I ran practice matches as drive coach and drafted game plans as strategy lead. As busy as I was, I made time to help new members test their prototypes and proofread over 200 pages of documentation. When the captain was present, I pushed against unreasonable deadlines and vouched for other members' expertise, ensuring that the design of the robot fell in the hands of the team as a whole.
“I first sensed that I was doing something right when a freshman bounded up to me with magnets and a cut-up soda bottle. For her and other rookie members, I became a sounding board for ideas they worried might be dismissed.
“We brought a whole new robot to our next competition, one that incorporated ideas from across the team, and earned a place at the Regional Championship. Undefeated in qualifying matches, our alliance won the championship, and we advanced to Worlds.
“After returning home with a nomination for the Motivate Award recognizing exceptional team culture, our mentor asked me to be captain. I gladly accepted.
This year, I am the captain of my robotics team, and nothing is different at all. I've learned that leadership is far more than just a title: it is the actions I take and the trust I can cultivate in a group.”
This is already a very strong essay – but this was the first draft. So we did a little bit to fine-tune this.
For this first comment here [this paragraph clearly identifies the issue] – first of all, this whole paragraph clearly identifies what the issue was: there was no leadership, because there was not a captain [fulfilling their role] and there was not a mentor.
My [next] comment here: “This essay comes down to the fact that this student's leadership skills were stronger than the previous leader’s. We see that develop throughout the essay, but this is the first time that it's being mentioned. This line sounds a little bit accusatory toward the other person, rather than prideful of the student's own accomplishments. So simplifying the sentence to something like, ‘Our new captain lacked leadership skills,’ could nicely encompass exactly what the problem was, and how the writer could seek out to fix it.” Those are just examples of how small changes in a sentence can change the way that things are being perceived.
And then, “compounded by our mentor’s stepping back for personal reasons.” After reading this whole thing, I realized that this is part of the entire issue of why this student needed to come forward and become a leader. But it's a little bit awkwardly worded. What I would do is suggest revising to: “Our new captain lacked leadership skills, and our mentor’s need to step back for personal reasons only compounded the issue.” Then it's really straightforwardly telling your reader exactly what the issue was.
You have to remember that these readers are reading so many essays in one day – and so they're reading them very quickly. Their brains are probably drained! You want to paint the picture for them very clearly so – like Angela said – there are no questions. So that small revision could show that the team's “sputtering at the starting line” was a result of no leadership or mentorship – which this writer identified as an opportunity to step in and become a leader.
This [“I'd been enthusiastically accumulating knowledge ever since joining the team in 8th grade.”] is a nice job giving background into the robotics history, because it's showing how far back that passion goes. I think it's always important to not only highlight what needs to be modified, but also highlight what's working well – because we want to keep those comments as well.
And then, “At our season's first tournament,” just a small change: “season’s first” is redundant – because we know that it's of the season if it's a tournament! It could be revised to something like, “As our first tournament approached…” These changes might seem really minuscule… but when you are coming down to it and you need to write it within 350 words – but you have 355 and you have no idea how to shorten it… those small changes can really help.
This comment here [“144 sq. ft. playing field included”]: I thought it was a pretty niche robotics reference – because that's how large the field that they use is. The sentence could perhaps be strengthened by revising it to something along the lines of, “I emptied a room in my house and moved the team in.” Not only does that show commitment to the team, but it also shows leadership skills – and it also paints a very clear picture for the reader.
Moving down: “I bounced back and forth after school between 15 teammates crowded into two rooms. I ran practice matches as drive coach and drafted game plans as strategy lead.” I felt that was a long-winded explanation of how this student put a team together. I would recommend revising it to something a bit more simplified, like: “I glued together a team of 15, running practice matches as drive coach and drafting game plans as strategy lead.” This shows his individual effort to ensure that attendance needed to stop trickling [down] – which shows that leadership was obviously very prevalent: because he got the team back together again.
This [“As busy as I was, I made time to help new members test their prototypes and proofread over 200 pages of documentation. When the captain was present, I pushed against unreasonable deadlines and vouched for other members' expertise…”] I wanted to highlight just as some tangible examples of leadership. You don't just want to say, “I am a strong leader.” You want to give examples.
Even though the student was busy, they still were able to document everything. They were still able to stand up to the captain in a respectful way. And notice how there's no mention of blame here; it's just “pushing against unreasonable deadlines and vouching for other members’ expertise.” Rather than harping on what the captain was doing wrong, this student capitalized on what they did right to make sure that the team felt valued.
For this last comment in this paragraph [“ensuring that the design of the robot fell in the hands of the team as a whole”], It's a strong example of what a true leader is: making sure that all team members felt heard and appreciated. This student as well happened to have some personal statements for certain colleges that ask “What is a leader to you? How are you going to contribute to class discussions? How are you going to collaborate?” This whole notion of making sure that many ideas can contribute to one large idea could translate really well into lots of other responses as well. That's another thing: once you have a really solid essay (whether it's a PIQ or a Common App [essay]), you can always take pieces of that for the supplemental essays as well – since you already have those strong ideas flowing.
Again this [“I first sensed that I was doing something right when a freshman bounded up to me with magnets and a cut-up soda bottle. For her and other rookie members, I became a sounding board for ideas they worried might be dismissed.”] is a strong anecdote to back up the claim that the student is a strong leader: especially that other, younger members are noticing the fact that they have more of a voice under the student's leadership, and that their ideas are actually appreciated. That's a tangible example of the impact that the student was making.
A small change here [“undefeated… Worlds”]: rather than “undefeated in qualifying matches, our alliance won the championship and we advanced to Worlds,” I suggested [changing] that to, “We won the championship and advanced to Worlds.” Again, a very small change that can really help with word count – if that's a problem that you're going to be facing.
And then, lastly, I thought the student ended the response very strongly: they completely readdressed the prompt, but in a unique and refreshing way that isn't redundant to what they were saying before.
So that's what I have in terms of my comments.
Angela Torres: That was a really strong first draft! I was like, “Whoa, was this a first draft, or was this a final draft?”
Anthony Su: I was gonna say: that looks so close to final. And I thought it was just going to be small adjustments. Yeah, some strong writer to be able to put that out as a first draft!
Alyssa Guzman: Yeah, that student was a really strong writer. That just goes to show that even if you think something's perfect, we can still make small improvements to make it even better.
Anthony Su: And of course, if anyone has questions, we can go back to the UC prompt later; feel free to put it in Q&A if you're curious about anything that we kind of discussed in regards to the comments, and why we're harping on word count – things like that.
Model Common App essay
Angela Torres: This is a first draft – and it is definitely not as strong as Alyssa's example. Which may come as a relief – because those first drafts are really not that pretty most of the time!
The Common App is 650 words. One thing that I noticed right away with the student was that this is just about 500 words. And yes (as Alyssa pointed out) you want to be cognizant of word count… but there's a real problem with that (and at such a young stage): that you really want to have a strong foundation.
I often make the illustration that we're chiseling a statue. We're going to chisel away at your stories to create this beautiful statue: this beautiful representation of your experience. Especially with the Common App, because Common App can be a lot more narrative in tone, and expressive. Whereas UC Personal Insight Questions are much more direct – and you don't have time or space for the fluff; you're just got to get to the point – as we saw with Alyssa's example. With the Common App, you do have this ability to create this beautiful narrative – as well as (obviously) share yourself.
When you do that, you want to make sure that your foundation – your block of stone that you're essentially chiseling away at – is very strong… because if you have a very porous, weak stone and you try to start to chisel away at it, it's going to fall apart real quick.
I would say, at a draft this young, don't worry about word count too much – especially for the Common App, because you'll be able to edit away. It will be very hard, though, to add to it. It starts to get real, real hard to add to something in its final draft.
So, at least in the beginning, don't be afraid of going over word count a little bit. 500 words is just a little… not quite there: not quite where we want it for a draft one. That's the first thing.
Second, you'll notice there is no prompt. What is this student writing about? We know from the document title that it's Common App prompt 3, but what is prompt three? What is it asking? Prompt three is asking for you to reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea, and what prompted that thinking. That should be right here. The prompt should be front and center at all times – along with word count: 650 words. That way you're always thinking about it: you're looking back at it, you're referencing it. (I mentioned this already.)
Let's get started:
“As I took my diving stance on the block expecting the shrill sound of the whistle, the adrenaline surges throughout my body. I calmed my nerves and geared my senses. I'm ready to swim. The high-pitched tone resonates through the air and I instantly explode off the block.”
That's really powerful language, and a nice visual there.
“This time trial is where my high school swimming career began. As a freshman, my love for competitive swing was at an all-time high, and making the varsity team became a huge aspiration. Many people doubted, telling me I couldn't make the team, or that I could not compete with the older swimmers. After all, our varsity team always wins the championship being the powerhouse of the league. But even after acknowledging the difficulty of making varsity, I remained confident in my abilities. Instead, I began to strategize. I tried to find the best way to make an impact with the skills that I could offer. Recognizing a dearth of swimmers for the 100 yard freestyle, I began training hard for that specific race. I asked for help and advice from the coach or more seasoned swimmers on the team.
“Finally, after 10 years of grinding and countless hours training in the pool, it was time for the single minute that would determine whether I would make the varsity team. The laps went by quickly. My mind was completely blank as I paced through the pool. Lap 1… lap 2… lap 3… lap 4. As I swam the last stretch of the race, I did not feel fatigued. I focused on the finish line – so close, almost there. I emerged from the water and looked to my left to see the varsity team captain finishing right next to me. The race was over and my hard work had paid off.
“The next day I walked into the pool, there was a crowd of people surrounding a piece of paper taped to the wall. As I pushed my way to the front to get a better view, many people congratulated me, the same people that said I wasn't fast enough to make Varsity. I scanned the roster that said ‘Boys 2021 varsity swim’ and my name was there. The only freshman on the roster, the only freshman in the 3 years to make it. I realized that I can go above and beyond what others expect from me. This experience helped me develop tenacity, adaptability, unwavering determination, and the confidence to reach for the stars. I no longer feel intimidated by the fear of failing. If I made the team with all odds against me, there is nothing to stop me from defying the odds in other aspects of my life. Many people would have just taken the easy route. But after discovering that I'm capable of much more than what everyone else thinks, I always go headfirst into any challenge with no regret.”
Okay, there are quite a few issues here. And that's fine, because it's draft one – so no shame to anybody who has a poor draft one!
We do have strong, colorful language throughout. This person does a really good job at explaining and painting a picture for an event.
There are some tense changes (between past tense and present tense) that really need to be addressed, but I more so am going to go over things that we're looking at in the first draft – because we can [later] get through the grammatical errors.
There's a major problem here, and that is that prompt three is asking how you have challenged a belief or idea that you previously held. The competitive spirit is great for sports… but within a college admissions essay, it comes across as a little bit egotistical. It reminds me of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. It's just a little bit like, “Yes, I made it!”
That's great – and it has its place; it's not entirely negative – but when we're guided by this external (rather than internal) gauge and compass, we can be led astray. We want to convey that our goals and our efforts are our own, and they're not informed by some outside need to prove ourselves to naysayers. It's not quite something you want for a college admissions essay. Save the sporty competitiveness for the field.
The prompt is asking to reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? If your only “idea” or “belief” was somebody else's… then this may come across as you're too centered on other people's perception of you – rather than your own.
At college, on a college campus: you’re away from home, you are now an adult. Are you going to crumble and fall apart if you're challenged? We don't want to see that.
So that would be a major critique there that I would give the student: let's pull away. Kind of like Alyssa’s student earlier, who had a similar experience – let's pull away from looking for validation from other people. Let's really highlight you.
Let's highlight here [“I remained confident in my abilities. Instead, I began to strategize. I tried to find the best way to make an impact with the skills that I could offer.”]. This would be a nice place to start – not to start the paragraph, but if we get rid of the rest of this fluff… I would say to here [“Many people doubted… the difficulty of making varsity,”]: just doing away with this.
I think that the opening is strong – you can do this illustration. Maybe not so many edits that I would suggest here [in paragraph 1], but the second paragraph gets a little bit too outwardly focused. I would say: we'll keep the first, second sentence, and then we can more so start on the perception here: “I remained confident in my abilities. Instead, I began to strategize. I tried to find the best way to make an impact with the skills that I could offer.” That's a much stronger, “me”-centered, “me”-focused way of viewing things.
Next, I love this part here [“I asked for help and advice from the coach or more seasoned swimmers on the team.”]. I really appreciate it: “I asked for help.” “I asked for help and advice from the coach or more seasoned swimmers.”
An example of the type of “help and advice” would do great here. It would give specificity – and that always lends to authenticity. You want to be able to outline: what were your steps to overcoming whatever challenge it is that you are confronting? The more specific you are, the more authentic and personal your essay is. (The UCs can be a little bit more direct in that sense.)
Wherever you can share your thought process and strategy – anything that's unique to you – the more interesting that you make these essays. We want you to put your best foot forward. But we don't want to lose you on the page. It's not just about saying what you accomplished; it's also, “What was your process? How did you get there?”
All right, next paragraph: “Finally, after 10 years of grinding and countless hours training in the pool, it was time for the single minute that would determine whether I would make the varsity team.” This is another level of specificity that's just awesome. We know that this person has been practicing for a very long time. We know that this moment means a lot for them. We can relate to coming to this point, having this goal, and going for it.
I again really appreciate the descriptors and the picture that is painted. I have never done any kind of swimming outside of just the ocean, having fun, or a pool, having fun. I know nothing about racing. But now I do. I kind of get it. I can see it. I'm there. So I like the rest of that.
Next paragraph, we have, “the only freshman on the roster, the only freshman in three years to make it. I realize that I can go above and beyond what others expect of me.” This is an amazing feat, no doubt. “The left of” – the amount of detail is perfect. But what it's lacking is an internal pivot: what changed within this person? We know that they're a “boy.” We know that this is a boys’ swimming team. But we don't have a sense of, “Who are you? What is happening internally?” We're missing that. Everything, again, is more of an external reference point.
So it would be nice if there was just a little bit more inner reflection… and this is a place to do it. The Personal Insight Question – very hard to do it there. But this is the best place to do it.
It's a little bit cliché; maybe just rephrase it. Make it a little more personal to you. Clichés – always keep away from them. They're very helpful to understand things, but when you want to give your own voice to something, just leave them. Find out a different way of saying that – and saying anything – and it will be very helpful to you.
Sorry, that was for the next sentence, actually: “This experience helped me develop tenacity, adaptability, unwavering determination, and the confidence to reach for the stars.” I mean, we've all heard that. So we can just [leave it out].
Next up: “I no longer feel intimidated by the fear of failing.” This is an interesting notion to show growth over the course of the response. This goes back to that more internal process: what happened there? What was culminating for you that made you have this drive? If he could share a little bit of it – maybe not the negativity of this drive (this need to prove people wrong) but where it showed up in other areas of his life. It’s what I said earlier: if you're able to really pinpoint where your failings (or your weak points) are, but then be able to say something nuanced about it: say something that it helped illuminate for you that made you grow… that's going to really make you stand out. Those inner illuminations are really gold if you can mine those.
Alyssa Guzman: I just wanted to chime in on that sentence – actually the next sentence, where it says, “I no longer feel intimidated by the fear of failing.” I personally have an issue with that, because I was not aware of any fear of failure before that – and so I feel like that's a missed opportunity to talk about this feeling of fear, and then how the person has grown away from that. I think that should certainly be mentioned at the beginning – maybe with an anecdote – and then it'll show the growth in a lot more linear of a way.
Angela Torres: I love that. Brilliant, agreed, yeah.
And then finally, in the conclusion: we've recognized that this essay’s point and purpose we can switch up a little bit. Especially here: “But after discovering that I am capable of much more than what everyone else thinks, I always go headfirst into any challenge with no regret.” This goes back to my previous comment. Vulnerability is great, but you really want to elevate your examples beyond the superficial.
This person could, instead, share how this ninth grade experience made them aware of their focus being just a little too centered in other people's needs for approval, or proving them wrong – and how they have maybe, over subsequent years, become more centered in their own inner assessments.
Then it becomes a personal challenge that they overcome – not just proving naysayers wrong (which is really not the point of this prompt, honestly). That would give it more vulnerability. It would give it nuance. And then it would still reflect triumph – because we want to see that in a sports essay. We want a little bit of sportsmanship. We want to see the guy on the floor who gets to stand up and overcome.
But maybe, more so, self-overcoming instead of overcoming people's opinions of you. That takes away from you, and doesn't give us an insight into you; it just shows us what you perceived about other people (which may not even have been true): you perceived that those people were looking at you a certain way. It doesn't tell us anything about you.
That would be, in a first draft, what I would be looking for – in addition to some of those grammatical errors: really hone in on your narrative and what you're trying to say. Are you expressing it fully? Then you can get (in the subsequent drafts) a little bit more tight on things like grammar, flow, etc.
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Angela Torres: Next, we come back to how ILUMIN can help you.
Anthony Su: Yeah, I'll talk a little bit about that. And, of course, we'll get to Q&A, things like that as well. We might also do an impromptu essay; I finally got access from one of the students. Angela, Alyssa, you guys are open to that?
Angela Torres: Yeah.
Anthony Su: Just very quickly: with our essay specialists we are doing five-hour and ten-hour packages – to help students through the process: helping them incrementally, slowly improve things like their UC PIQs, the Common App main statement… to be honest, any essay you want us to work on.
I think, again, one of the benefits of working with our essay specialists is this flexibility: you get to choose how you want to use the hours – how you want us to support you all the way through, from the brainstorming (and trying to make sure we have that strong prompt and that strong story from the get-go). Or, if you already think you're going to be pretty confident with it, and you want just a little bits of editing and some touching base (a little bit more like that first UC essay).
Angela, Alyssa, you two are the ones working with students; can you highlight a little bit about the types of students you've worked with in the past – maybe a student you've been particularly proud of, or one that made a lot of improvement in the past few years?
Alyssa Guzman: Yeah.
Just to echo what you said: I think it's great that you can truly utilize our resources – however you see fit – to help you with your college journey.
I have edited UC PIQs, Common App [essays], even scholarship essays. I had one student who only wanted to focus on the scholarship essays – and I was more than happy to help with that. I've had students who have literally no idea what to write about – and so, for that, I always just want to have an open conversation: let's just have a literal brain dump and see what we can make of that.
And then, when someone is really confident with what they're writing about, that's always great… but sometimes people are so steadfast in their idea that they are not seeing the holes in the idea. Maybe they want to tell us about a really great accomplishment, but it actually isn't enough to fill 650 words for the Common App. That's something that your essay specialist can also help you with – because if you're having a conversation with them, and they're asking you all these questions… and you find that you can't answer them, it's probably a sign that you should not be choosing that one for your essay! That’s just one of the things that I've learned along the way.
Angela Torres: For my favorite… I was a humanities major (much like Alyssa), so this comes a little bit easier to me. I can journal for hours, and it's so easy to write. I've written manuscripts, and that's easy for me. So with my Humanities major kids, we get it – we have this connection. But my STEM kids are probably my favorite – just because (especially with the Common App) people are going to try some pretty interesting narrations and ideas.
It can get really hard to delve a little bit deeper – a little below the surface of what you've accomplished – in robotics, machine learning, large language models, computer science, biology, etc. It gets very technical. So being able to write about such a technical subject – but inserting yourself in there – is really a fine balance. And so those students are trying to find that human component: their inner story.
First of all, they don't really think about it too much. They're more so worried about their AP Physics and AP Computer Science. And they want to explain all these concepts to me. I'm always like, “I don't know what you just said. Hopefully it's right, but – more importantly – who are you? What is your personal experience? What is your feeling about these things?” That can be a little bit harder – and I really love, within this relationship, to be able to:
Point those out to students and have them be thinking about them, and then
Extracting those stories.
It's (of course) with limitations – because if you don't want to share something, you absolutely don't need to. You don't need to bring up your traumas. You don't need to bring up your horrible hardships. But just pulling out a human side to your story – especially for students who are accustomed to more logical and technological subjects – is probably my favorite part. We come up with gems, and everybody has their very unique perspective.
I always tell my students, “You're being read with other students who have achieved just as amazing things as you. So this is your place to really make yourself stand out. And how do you do that? By portraying your unique perspective/
Those are my favorite students; I really like working with them. It's not easy, but we get through it every time – and it's gold what we come up with. I love that whole process that we get to do together, because it's really important. (But it can be very hard if you're not used to it.)
Anthony Su: Yeah, it's a tough process going through the college essays – but I think, for a lot of students, we hope it is a rewarding process as well. They come back; they are proud of what they've written. They're proud of the stories they tell. They feel like, “I got that exactly how I want to communicate it.”
You never get a chance to talk to the readers or anything, but you've put your best shot there.
Thank you!
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Anthony Su: The other thing as well I also want to mention – if you haven't started yet, or you're not quite sure where to start – we do have a WRITE! Workshop coming up this Saturday. It'll be at 1 PM. You can take a look if you want something to get started there. we're doing a 50% off for uh participants today – so 50% for that, 20% off using “START” for the essay consultants package.
Any questions or thoughts? So far Q&A and chat have been relatively quiet.
Angela, Alyssa, are you guys okay to take a look at an example essay?
Angela Torres: Absolutely.
Anthony Su: Perfect. In that case I'll read a little bit of what the student has written.
This is prompt 1 of the Common App.
Do you want me to just read the whole thing, or should I go paragraph by paragraph? What would be most helpful, do you think?
Angela Torres: Maybe paragraph by paragraph; what do you think, Alyssa?
Alyssa Guzman: I was actually going to say the opposite: to read the whole thing, and then we can dissect the paragraphs. So I don’t know.
Anthony Su: Let's do the whole thing.
Angela Torres: Alyssa’s an English teacher; let’s go with the English teacher!
Anthony Su: Yeah, and again (of course) every essay consultant – every editor – has a different style as well.
So:
[Prompt: “Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.”]
“I have an obsession that's embarrassing, but so instrumental to my identity I need to share it with you: I am head over heels for YouTube. Yes, I know, I know: the epitome of digital decadence, the bottomless pit of frivolous entertainment, the endless strife to not be trapped in a bubble of curated content. Yet, as paradoxical as it may sound, maybe this exploitation of our personal data is a good thing.
The YouTube algorithm is like that friend who doesn't understand personal space. They get me, understand my quirks, my obsessions, but please leave me alone sometimes! Sure, it's a bit eerie to realize that YouTube has burrowed into the deepest recesses of my psyche. But its relentless sequence of recommendations have led me to worlds I never would have anticipated: Kurzgesazt’s supermassive blackholes, the magic Studios of The Corridor Crew, and the battlefield of Extra History.
This isn't to take away credit from YouTubers themselves of course. These anglers of the digital sea have mastered the art of hooking viewers with the bait of captivating narratives. They weave knowledge into narratives and probing questions, stirring a sensation of, “I must know more” – a proper utilization of the medium is the message. It's a stark realization that effective education isn't about passive absorption, but rather about instilling a relentless curiosity – something modern day textbooks fail miserably at.
This ability to choreograph my intellectual journey in a dance of discovery has propelled my real-world actions. It's taught me to crank with my dominant foot to pull up into a wheelie, how to train an AI algorithm, and even how to canvas IDB databases to write research papers. The algorithm has caught on to my attraction to the hustle and bustle of the e-commerce world, leading me to Paul J Savage: an expert in gaming the infamous bazaars of Amazon. His storytelling, from manufacturers in China to Amazon warehouses in Maine, provided the impetus that ultimately resulted in the disruption of my status-quo and my embrace of risk. Through hours and hours of rabbit-hole diving, my pursuit for stimulation manifested itself as an ergonomic buckwheat pillow. Sounds random, sure, but that pillow now stands firm (still feels soft though!) under the nape of my grandmother and hundreds of Amazon customers.
This metamorphosis from a spectator to a doer didn't stop at the stalls and booths of the Amazon marketplace. I set forth to carve my niche within the YouTube ecosystem, to no longer merely wander around the boundless halls of this library. My weapon of choice? Comedy. A journey that began as an exploration of self-deprecating humor soon escalated into me placing my own book into its bookshelves – a YouTube channel devoted to my love for humor and its contagious joy. Perhaps it's the algorithm’s magic or my penchant for groan-worthy dad jokes, but every video, every dumb dad joke was followed by a chortle that illuminated a room somewhere. Our Discord server, buzzing with banter, has illuminated my path with diverse perspectives and constant companionship.
My longing to understand, to voyage beyond the halls of the known: this is at my core. Letter by letter, word by word, story by story, YouTube permeates a need within me to learn, try, and master everything. So, sure, YouTube might be feeding on me for my data and exploiting my horrible attention span. But every break I take a step back into the embrace of the everyday only reminds me of the mythical1 journey I had been on. I know this is going to sound bad, but no amount of exploitation of my personal data is going to keep me away from that chase for stimulation. (I'll never let them find out I wasn't born in 1982, though!)
[1. Defined by Rhett & Link from Good Mythical Morning as a quality that embodies a synergistic coalescence of curiosity, creativity, and tomfoolery.]
Alyssa Guzman: Fun!
Anthony Su: Awesome. Questions?
Angela Torres: I just want to say that I feel so seen in this essay – because I am obsessed with YouTube as well. People are constantly like, “What do you watch? What shows are you watching?” And I'm like, “I really don't watch shows. I watch YouTube.” So I just feel so seen; I wanted to start us off there.
(And you're very brave for sharing this, just because I know that we have a lot of attendees. So thank you for the submission; thank you so, so much.)
But yeah, I feel this. From the beginning I was like, “Yes, my people!”
Alyssa Guzman: One thing that I want to say is I think that the writing is very strong. I think you have a very unique voice. I really appreciate that. There's humor that shines through that. You're really true to your traits as a human: you love to learn, and it seems like you like to learn a lot of stuff all at once (or consecutively: one right after the other).
I really love that third paragraph where you go into that extended metaphor of the angler fish and hooking viewers. I think that's very fun and playful – and it fits in well to a Common App [essay], which can be more fun and playful.
One thing that I will say, though: I feel like I'm missing the “So what?” I feel like you really touch on wanting to learn a lot, in, “My Longing to understand, to voyage beyond the halls of the known: this is at my core.” That is your “So what?” – you want to learn everything. You want to learn as much as you can.
I also think that all of the different topics that you explore through YouTube is a really interesting opportunity for a hook. Right now I think your hook needs a little bit of work. You can maybe start it with something like, “Did you know…” and then lots of different, random facts that don't go together at all – but then maybe show how that knowledge has accumulated with your own seeking out of that knowledge.
What I'm envisioning right now – and I just looked at this, so take it with a grain of salt; I would need to think it through a little bit more – is maybe you have a paragraph dedicated to what you've learned about anglerfish. Maybe you have a paragraph dedicated to what you've learned about mythical journeys… or anything else that you mentioned in here. You have so many great examples – and rather than having just a sentence of those great examples, I think you can flush them out to show your endless curiosity – which is really a strength.
Anthony Su: I second Alyssa there – in the sense of I did not understand the point of the essay until I got to here [“My Longing to understand, to voyage beyond the halls of the known: this is at my core.”] – which is really deep into it. You're hoping that the admission officer read through all this other stuff – and is paying attention to your long-winded metaphor, and the links you're trying to draw between your various interests that you gathered from YouTube.
It's a small thing, but I think it will will make it easier to follow if somehow this is mentioned earlier in the story (as a kind of thesis idea) and you have smaller bites of these long-winded metaphors of using comedy, followed by Kurzgesazt (which is a channel that does science content) and all these other items – if you hit that main point faster.
Angela Torres: I also enjoyed reading this essay, but (as Alyssa and Anthony both point out) I didn't get a sense of you on this page yet. Your interests, yes, and what you like, and (of course) that you write really well, if this is a first draft – oh, it was, sorry: looking at the title. You write very well. And we have that shared YouTube love.
But if your reader doesn't love YouTube, maybe if you include your self a little bit more on this page, and, again, “So what?” Where do these interests take you? What is your motivation, your values in life?” A little bit more of that, and you: and a sense of who you are. Even if your reader doesn't like YouTube, or has maybe never [watched] YouTube (who knows?), they'll at least be able to connect with you. (Or they may despise YouTube altogether, and then they're like, “Oh, okay, I guess maybe I could like you…”)
There are a lot of things that can trip us up when we talk about something external a little bit too much. If we are talking about something external to ourselves, we want to be able to relate it back to ourselves – and what is this saying about me that I really am interested in this? Yes, you like to learn. Most students do.. But a little bit more about where you're taking this: what has this informed in your life?”
And you can maybe bring in some other examples of interests that can illuminate why YouTube – but definitely that “So what?” aspect is missing. And that “So what?” is going to help us get a better sense of you.
I would love to see that – because great writing plus wittiness and banter, and then the human aspect of who you are… that's just gold right there. so I want
Anthony Su: I want to give a potential idea at a “So what?” – because I think, if we were to have a multiverse, and every you did many different versions of this essay, it would look very different. But one core message you might want to highlight is these two paragraphs [“This ability to choreograph my intellectual journey in a dance of discovery… Discord server, buzzing with banter, has illuminated my path with diverse perspectives and constant companionship”] because here you really talk about, “What I did from YouTube.”
Again, it's our first read. It's not super clear yet. But I believe you experimented with Amazon somewhat here [paragraph 4: “This ability to choreograph… Amazon customers”], and it looks like you've started your own channel about comedy, and that you have your Discord server, and things like that [paragraph 5: “This metamorphosis from a spectator to a doer… constant companionship”]. Those might be the meat and potatoes of your essay. And then all of this is decor in the sense of, “Here's my hook!” [first paragraphs]. “Here are the many different rabbit holes that I've been down, and this is what I found on the other side,” [last paragraphs].
It’s just a thought to consider when thinking about where to emphasize: where to flesh out the essay.
Alyssa Guzman: I also think this is an opportunity to just show your diversity and your interests. I'm thinking about one of my students I had last season: that student was a STEM major, but extremely talented poet and writer – and just gifted in really every subject. So I really loved that he was not only using strong examples of his success and interest in STEM, but also in poetry and creative writing.
I don't know what your major is – what you're going into – but talking about all of these other dynamic interests is going to help show that you're a well-rounded person.
Any other comments or thoughts?
Angela Torres: In subsequent drafts, your reader should be able to take a pause. Your writing is phenomenal. This is an amazing draft. But your reader should be able to breathe and process a little bit more. So, sadly, I would say pull back on some of these just incredible insights – or be able to more clearly (and more concisely) tighten them up. There definitely needs to be just a moment for your reader to just pause a little bit.
Remember that you still want to appeal to your reader. We want them to like our essay, like us, etc… but, at the end of the day, they’re still a human who just needs to kind of, [takes breath], “Okay!”
So I would, in some of the subsequent drafts, just try to pull away. Just a little bit – give a moment. Maybe just a more simplistic sentence or idea… and then go back into it. You want to do this nice kind of ebb and flow into wittiness and brilliance – and then a little bit of just calm, serene meandering through your experience.
But I would do that in subsequent drafts, because this is awesome. Sadly we do have to cut a lot – and that's just part of our editing phase.
Anthony Su: Adding to Angela: I know these channels. I know what you're referencing. If this was about Netflix instead of YouTube, I don't watch much Netflix. I really don't know what you're talking about. When you're going so fast and not giving that moment to breathe, you also have the opportunity for the reader to get lost as well.
So awesome. I’m really glad we got this to work out.
Angela Torres: Yeah!
Anthony Su: One very quick question, just referring to – I believe – that first essay. You mentioned replacing detailed skills for ‘leadership skills’. Do colleges not think that is too bland or vague?”
I kind of want to pull up the essay…
Alyssa Guzman: I have it.
Anthony Su: I wonder if there's a specific paragraph.
Angela Torres: I'll also interject here that the Personal Insight Questions – 350 words, but also the style of UC Personal Insight Questions is very, very unlike the Common App. We don't want to say “bland”… but they do like a little bit more logistics. I think a UCLA rep was the one who said that you know this should really read like an interview question – and if you've ever been in an interview, those are pretty dry. It's like, “Get to the point! What are the highlights of your résumé: your high points, your accomplishments?”
Since this is a leadership prompt, really honing in on those leadership examples is going to be what they're looking for. The Common App is where you can get a little more flowery: a little bit more interesting. So I'll just caveat that they are two completely different styles of writing: UC Personal Insight and Common App. That's one of the things that we help with: how do we use those same experiences, but frame them based on what UC is looking for, and then what Common App colleges are typically looking for? We balance that for you.
But definitely be thinking about that in your drafts for UC and Common App.
Anthony Su: There was a clarification: it was in reference to that first paragraph, where we replaced the blame of the old captain [“taking credit for others' work”] to “lack of leadership skills” instead.
Alyssa, do you want to elaborate on that? Because I guess they were wondering if it's too vague to say “lack of leadership skills.”
Alyssa Guzman: I don't think that it's too big to say, “Our new captain lacked leadership skills.” The reason for that is because this essay is not about [this other] captain (whoever that person was). This essay is about you. We don't need to go into why that captain was lacking leadership skills. We really don't need much of an explanation other than how you have displayed your leadership skills in response to that captain's lack of leadership skills.
If you were to go on and on about the captain’s taking credit for others’ work, the captain's not hearing people's ideas… where is there going to be room to talk about you? Instead, you want to take those small things that you noticed – and instead of directly placing them on another person who might be present in your essay, you want to flip them so that they are talking about your accomplishments rather than harping on someone else's lack of accomplishments, if that makes sense.
Anthony Su: Another way sometimes I think about this is: what is the point of talking about the previous captain? It's to get to you. So, again, you don't need to harp on that or talk about it. Move on. Talk about yourself: “Here's why I want to come to the UCs, and I'll be a good candidate.” The faster you can get to that, you're hoping that the admissions officers will take note.
Okay, perfect. We went a little bit over, so definitely, Angela, Alyssa, thank you for your patience. Thank you for hanging around for a little bit so it wasn't just me rambling for five minutes!
Again, thank you everyone for coming. We'll have more webinars; please take a look at WRITE! Take a look at the hourly consulting packages. We can definitely help your students out if you're interested in working with us!
Thanks everyone.
Angela Torres: Thank you.
Alyssa Guzman: Thank you everybody.
Anthony Su: Have a good night. Bye.